We shall all fall like paperweights.

boys have broken my spine
paralyzed by lies
I’m too well aware of when I look in the mirror and see my lack of religion staring back
I do not know how to look at myself anymore when I see this body of too much
fire
unable to burn as bright as it wants to
so I settle for sparks
put out in a long forgotten fireplace

my mama told me
that I am a warrior
reincarnation of Alexander the Great
my blood line is royal
after years of erosion

I believe in reincarnation more than I believe in god
Trust me I am trying to believe in both

I have erected statues of men I do not know in my head
I praise hands that have not touched my broken skin
too many years of promises I cannot keep anymore etched in my irises
that men I dream of have never looked into

if heaven is love
I will live a hundred dreary lives to get there
I paint murals on church buildings of a light much brighter than my eyes can handle

but when you ask me
who I love
I will tell you a name
I have never spoken

let me ask my father for permission to carry the carving knife he keeps in the second drawer
under the fruit loops
when he says no
let me explain to him that I must protect myself from the men who lurk in closets and dark alleyways
let me make myself more ferocious than any man
who might touch the porcelain scars that hide beneath clothing
let me tell my father the boogie man doesn’t live under my bed
he lives in the bloodlines of my cousins
asking me to undress in front of them
five years old
let me start sleeping with a nightlight again
when a man brakes through the window to steal whatever innocence he can find crammed into the space between my legs
at least I can see him
and write a children’s book afterwards
where the monster only has two eyes
and two hands
skinnier than me with muscles that pin me down and steal my name from my mouth and replace it with
whore
let me cry for love to my sister
tell her I cannot give a man something that has not been mine for so long
the halo of innocence has not cascaded over my shoulders for years
I’ve forgotten how it looked above me
let me take pills
to drown out the cries inside my head
echoing against bone and broken promises that god would protect me
let me write a poem
about how my body has been a graveyard for lust from men who don’t know my name
just the curve of my spine under flesh that I am tired of wearing

let me ask my father for permission to carry the carving knife he keeps in the second drawer
under the fruit loops
when he says no
let me show him the only test I have ever passed in my life
with a red plus sign that I couldn’t have possibly asked for when a monster
with two eyes
and two hands
forced himself inside me

let me carry the carving knife
two drawers down from the fruit loops
when the doctors ask who the father is
I will show them the bloody hands that I have kept in my purse for so long
I have finally
protected myself

I lost you somewhere between
training bras
and the summer
of Harry Potter books
no one told me
it was okay
to open my eyes
and not see you

when I open my eyes
I see men with half
melted faces
asking for my soul

I do not know
if I have one

there was a boy
who gave me a necklace
of bruises
so purple hurricane in splendor
I did not care about
their perpetrator
as much as I did covering them
with a crusty bottle
of foundation
out of the bottom
of my mother’s makeup bag
it was too dark
for my skin
and when my mother noticed
she took me to buy my own
she called me
daisy petals

if only she knew how fragile
I was

there was a boy
who gave me a necklace
out of the helping hands
of a confidant
he was always at arms reach
I started thinking of him
as a sidekick
like I was Batman
and he was Robin
but he viewed me
as Mary Jane
he thought he had saved me
he thought
that I owed him

I did not know
friendship came with expenses
that could make me feel as cheap as Monopoly money

there was a boy
who gave me a necklace
of diamonds
he thought he could buy my affection
and he did

for a little while

there was a boy
and another
and another
until I thought they were all
as bland as skim milk
their lips all felt the same
demanding and
rushed
I was never much of a runner
in the chase
where I was always
two steps
too late
as if infatuation
can be taught
they showed me bodies
can be vacant buildings
or parking garages
and I let them treat me
like I was a
long forgotten
marble statue
made by an artist
whose name cannot be
remembered

there was a boy
who gave me
his love line
it dragged across his palm
like a winding trail
that I was sure to get lost in
all he asked for
was the hiccup of my
Carbon dioxide
so I kissed him
more breath
than touching
and I realized
I was a soul
full to capacity
brimming
with hands outstretched
like the branches of an oak tree

one day
he gave me a necklace
of braided promises

“tomorrow
and
tomorrow
and

tomorrow”

and I smiled
with the laughter
of puddles
jumped into

"tomorrow”